


Bad Date

by merryghoul



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Amusement Parks, Attempted Murder, Bars and Pubs, F/M, Kidnapping, Mental Coercion, Minor Character Death, Poisoning, attempted genocide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2015-12-02
Packaged: 2018-04-30 22:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5182538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/pseuds/merryghoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Missy sucks the Doctor into one of her elaborate plans to once again kill humankind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bad Date

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mm8](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mm8/gifts).



At first, the Doctor had no idea why the TARDIS took him to a rock club in Camden Town. Then the Doctor talked to the club's owner. According to the owner, some sort of ray came out of the audience and hit the guitarist of last night's warm up band. The ray vaporised the guitarist. The owner was convinced the guitarist was dead.

The Doctor asked the owner if he had an opening act that night. The owner said no. "Well, of course you're going to need an opening act," the Doctor said. "Why not me? Hey, did you know I actually wrote Beethoven's fifth? I could play that tonight."

The owner agreed to let him play that night in the club, but he was confused by the Doctor claiming he was Beethoven.

 

The Doctor went to the club's bar before his set. There, a bartender gave the Doctor a lemon-lime soda on the house. The bartender said the soda was from a friend who knew what he liked. Without warning, the bartender walked away from the bar and disappeared into a doorway.

The Doctor drank the lemon-lime soda. A few minutes later, he felt dizzy, slightly confused, and his enzymes being inhibited. The Doctor had been poisoned with cyanide again.

Another bartender, a woman, came out of the doorway and stepped behind the bar. She walked towards the Doctor and placed a bottle of ginger beer in front of him. Without thinking or noticing the bartender's identity, the Doctor drank the ginger beer. The woman placed a bowl of mixed nuts in front of him. He ate the nuts as the woman placed another bowl with saltine crackers in front of him.

Having ate everything that would reverse the cyanide poisoning and jump-start his enzymes again, the Doctor was wondering what could give him a shock without forcing him to regenerate. Just as he was wondering if static shock would be enough to neutralise the cyanide, the bartender gave the Doctor a kiss.

It was then when the Doctor realised the bartender wasn't one of the regular bartenders in the club. It was Missy, wearing everything but her jacket.

The shock of Missy's kiss was enough to make the Doctor belch out the cyanide. "Missy? What are you doing here?"

"I decided we needed to go on a date."

"A date where you try to kill me."

Missy shrugged. "And a few other people. Like the whole of London. I've already killed that guitarist from that one band. What was their name again? Oh, and that bartender. I'm covering his shift now, didn't you hear?"

"Why are you plotting to killing everyone in London?"

Missy grinned. "Because it's hilarious. Why would you care so much about these silly humans and their pointless lifespans, anyway? How long do they live at most anyway? Like, what, one hundred and twenty-nine years?" She blew a raspberry. "That's the age of a Time Tot."

"I swore--"

"That's right. You think you're the defender of Earth. Well, then, Superman, if you're gonna save London, you'll have to stop me."

Missy teleported away before the Doctor could apprehend her.

 

Despite the owner's protests, the Doctor played Beethoven's Fifth Symphony in front of a crowd expecting a band currently getting a push on BBC Radio 1 playing in his stead. The crowd booed him. The Doctor stopped playing to speak into the microphone. "You pudding-brains wouldn't appreciate good music if you heard it!"

The crowd booed again.

Missy, wearing her jacket again, made her way through the jeering crowd, pushing and stomping on people's feet until she was on the front row of the venue. She took out her device and aimed it at the Doctor.

Missy grinned as the Doctor stepped back, his face frozen in fear. He was able to leap out of the ray as Missy shot a ray out of her device. The crowd fled towards the club's emergency exits. Missy hid her device and fled out of the emergency exits with everyone else in the club. 

When the Doctor saw the hole Missy's device made in the wall, the Doctor ran to the club's microphone despite no one paying attention to him on stage. "You've been a great audience. Good night." He grabbed his guitar, pulled it out of the amplifier it was plugged into, and ran.

 

Back in the TARDIS, the Doctor heard his phone beeping. At first, the Doctor thought it was Clara responding to one of his voice messages. When he checked his phone, he was disappointed it wasn't Clara, but he wasn't surprised Missy had somehow found a way to text him. "I need to remember to change my number after this is all over," the Doctor said as he opened Missy's text.

"We didn't finish our date," the text read. "Could kill a few more people. Could kill you. Meet you at the at Mummy's Tomb dark ride at Adventure Surrey tomorrow? Can't wait to tell you about my rocket. xx"

The Doctor groaned and headed to Adventure Surrey in the near future.

 

There was nobody at the Mummy's Tomb dark ride at Adventure Surrey. No one was in line for the ride. The ride operator was nowhere to be seen. And Missy was nowhere to be found.

The Doctor leapt over the turnstile to the ride to get to the car on the dark ride's tracks. One moment he was on his feet; the next, he was pushed inside the dark ride car by Missy. Missy sat beside him. She pulled out her device and started the dark ride.

Mummy's Tomb was themed around Ancient Egypt and movie mummies. Egyptian characters and painting glowed in the ride's darkness. Fake rocks fell onto the sets. Bandaged skeletons popped out of walls and sarcophaguses. Missy pretended to be scared of everything happening on the ride.

"Stop it, Missy. You and I know this is the stuff that's in your dreams."

"Oh, no. My dreams are much more vivid than this. Lots of blood and gore and dying humans flopping around like fish."

"Why are we on this dark ride? You said something about a rocket."

Missy put her head on the Doctor's shoulder. "You have many friends who like rockets, Doctor."

The Doctor turned to look at Missy. "Ace? You've kidnapped Ace?"

"As much as I'd love to find and kidnap all your friends and squish them like bugs, no, I haven't done anything to Ace. I was thinking friends who weren't human."

"I have a lot of friends who aren't human and have rockets. You're going to have to be specific."

"Think, Doctor. Think of a species devoted to upholding the law. So devoted that they've built their technology around the concept."

The Doctor took a moment to think before saying "The Judoon?"

Missy nodded and grinned.

"You have a Judoon rocket? How'd you get a Judoon rocket?"

"They wanted me. I can kill people with the push of a button. And the Judoon are susceptible to hypnosis. The details aren't important, dear. You understand." 

"You're using the ray of the Judoon rocket to destroy London."

"Maybe the world if I'm lucky."

The Doctor tried to stand up in the dark ride car. Missy pulled him down back in the car. "I know, I know. You're going to try and save London before I can activate the Judoon rocket. I'm afraid that's where our date ends. Got some friends to meet you at the end of the ride."

Indeed, at the end of the ride, there were two Judoon with blasters aimed at the Doctor in the car.

"I must be going, Doctor. Got a date with a couple of Judoon in their rocket. I'll pick you up later when you've regenerated." Missy winked and leapt out of the dark ride car, strolling as she left the Mummy's Tomb.

After Missy left the ride, the Doctor jumped out of the dark ride car, dodging the Judoon's fire. He ran to the Judoon on his left. "Oh, what's that? Is that a blaster?" He took out his sonic sunglasses and examined the Judoon's gun. "I've never seen that model before. That's cool, Mister...Pointy-Nose."

The Judoon turned to the Doctor. He tried to shoot at the Doctor, but his blaster wouldn't fire.

"Oh, your blaster isn't working. You wanna know why?" He raised and lowered his glasses. "I broke them with my sonic sunglasses. Wearable technology. Maybe your people should adopt it in the future. But now it's time for you to take a break."

The Doctor put his finger on the Judoon's head. He was knocked out in seconds. 

"Good night," he said, running to the other Judoon. He ducked blaster fire as he ran.

"I'm going to make this quick," the Doctor said to the other Judoon. The Doctor disabled the Judoon's blaster and stunned him with his finger. "I'm in a bit of a hurry. Can't chat anymore."

 

The Doctor wasn't surprised when he saw four Judoon surrounded around the TARDIS. He was more irritated by the distraction than surprised.

The Doctor planned to disable and knock out the Judoon around his TARDIS like he did the Judoon at the Mummy's Tomb. The Judoon drew their blasters on him before he could take out his sonic sunglasses. As he raised his hands in surrender, he was stunned when one of the Judoon spoke to him.

"Yes, I know the woman that stole your rocket. And I know what she plans to do with it."

The Judoon speaking to the Doctor said Missy tried to hypnotise them so they'd attack him when he found his way back to the TARDIS. The hypnosis didn’t work on them.

"She did succeed in hypnotising two of your compatriots to kill me on one of the rides here. I guess they have weaker wills than you lot. That and she's mostly been rubbish at hypnosis. But enough chatter. I'm guessing you four need a ride back to your rocket."

All four Judoon admitted to needing a ride on the TARDIS.

"Well, then, hop on in. And watch your heads. The TARDIS might be bigger on the inside, but the clearance isn't."

 

After the TARDIS landed inside the rocket, the Doctor and the Judoon inside his TARDIS headed to the cockpit. It was believed Missy and the Judoon pilots would be in the cockpit.

The Doctor and the Judoon were too late to save the Judoon pilots. Missy killed one of the pilots already with her device, and she was in the process of dissipating the other pilot. She chuckled. "Bit tough. Still yummy." 

Missy turned around. The Doctor was in the middle of the Judoon troops that came with him. The Judoon troops aimed their blasters at Missy.

"Gentlemen, this is the fugitive of justice you're looking for," the Doctor said. "You have every right to exterminate her."

Missy grinned and struck a pose as the Judoon shot her.

 

"And that's the story of how I saved London from Scary Poppins." The Doctor, wearing his sparkly black jumper and his brown warehouse coat, was sitting on Clara's desk in Coal Hill School.

"Where's Miss Oswald?" Courtney Woods asked.

"I already told you she had a family emergency. I'm going to pick her up after it's all over and then you can listen to her talk about Jane Austen until she bores you to sleep."

"Miss Oswald isn't sick. She was kidnapped by some woman dressed up as Mary Poppins."

"That is exactly why I didn't say 'your teacher has been kidnapped' in front of the class, Courtney."

"Sorry."

"Don't be. It's Scary Poppins who should be sorry, not you. And I'm going to find Miss Oswald as soon as someone gets here to watch over this class."

A woman walked into Clara's classroom. The Doctor ran out.

 

Missy was listening to the Doctor's story on her device. She had linked the device to Clara's phone before she snatched Clara, tied her up to a chair, and hid her in a closet away from where the Doctor hides his TARDIS. Missy was standing by the chair she had Clara tied up on, smiling after the Doctor finished his story.

Clara looked up at Missy as much as she could. "You killed two guys at a rock club, nearly poisoned the Doctor, nearly had the Doctor shot at by hypnotised Judoons, and threatened to destroy all of London with a Judoon rocket just so you could get the Doctor to tell this story in front of all my students."

Missy nodded.

"He spared your life by having the Judoon recharge your vortex manipulator."

"I told you before. The Doctor and I share a complex friendship. He'd never have the nerve to kill me for good."

"Or maybe he knows you _can't_ be killed."

Missy winked at Clara.

"I thought you were going to kill me. You said one day you'd do that. May as well do that now so I can join Danny in the afterlife."

"I'm full right now. I'll come back when I'm feeling peckish." Missy smacked her lips.

The Doctor opened the closet Missy and Clara were in. Missy pinned the Doctor against the wall. "I missed you, Doctor." She gave him a peck on the lips.

"Time for you to leave, Missy."

"Wasn't this a fun date?"

"No. It was a horrible date."

"I know you liked it."

"Leave, Missy."

"I'm leaving, I'm leaving." She brushed her skirt against the Doctor's pants. "See you next time."

"Hopefully not soon."

Missy laughed as she used her vortex manipulator to teleport away from Coal Hill School.

The Doctor used his sonic sunglasses to free Clara from her restraints. "Clara, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Doctor." Clara shook her arms out and walked around. "She doesn't deserve our mercy."

"And yet that's the only thing we can give her. She'll always find a way to come back from the dead until the day I die. If our mercy can keep her from destroying Earth, let alone this dump, we'll have to keep showing her mercy."

"Should I start suggesting an outfit for your next so-called date?"

"No. She'll dress me in something nice _after_ she thinks I'm dead."

The Doctor offered his hand to Clara.

"Why do you want me to take your hand?"

"I promised your class I'd bring you back so you can bore them talking about Jane Austen." 

Clara took the Doctor's hand. "Do they really think Jane Austen is boring?"

"I don't think you're boring. I think your class thinks you're boring." 

The two of them walked out of the closet and towards Clara's classroom. 

Clara looked at the Doctor. "I'm not boring. I'm a cool teacher. Or at least I thought I was a cool teacher."

"Of course you're a cool teacher. You're a cool teacher because I said you were one."


End file.
